Church as a Refuge: A Survivor’s Letter About Domestic Violence

The Broken & Beautiful
4 days ago
6 min read

Updated: 12 minutes ago

Robrenna Parker, NFTC Certified / Somatic Guide, The Broken & Beautiful Collective

Dear Reader,

Before you read, take a deep breath. What follows may bring up strong emotions. I invite you to notice what’s happening in your body and care for yourself accordingly. Give yourself permission to pause and take a few breaths if needed.

“Are you sure this is what God wants for you?”

“This is just a difficult season. You’ll get through it.”

“Pray for him.”

“Just trust him to lead and be there to support him. Be his helper.”

“I know marriage can be tough, but remember God hates divorce.”

These well-intentioned, yet heartbreaking phrases feel hollow when someone is suffering in silence and navigating an abusive relationship. I know this all too well; instead of the compassion and understanding I craved, I frequently encountered misguided suggestions on how to fix my marriage and make it work.

This messaging can sometimes conceal the harsh reality of living in an abusive relationship, deepen shame, and make it harder for women to reach out for the support they need.

The Church, both as a community of believers and a sacred space, has the opportunity to be a refuge for those seeking comfort and support. I was fortunate to find solace in a patchwork community that stood by me as I faced the brutal truth of my abusive marriage. Yet, it’s disheartening that in some instances, the church body may not always provide refuge.

As a story work coach, I often hear women sharing their experiences of enduring toxic relationships due to their faith. After leaving a 23-year marriage, I want to address the church community — the body of Christ. While many are learning and offering support, this message is for those who truly need to listen and internalize it. To create meaningful change, it is crucial to recognize and understand the impact and challenges of domestic violence. I write this letter out of love for the church and deep concern for those who may be suffering in silence within its community.

Dear Church,

As I write this during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I want to express a reality that many women like me know all too well. I want you to know that by the time I come to you, I have often spent years praying and hoping for change. I have submitted to him, striving to be a loving partner, to meet his needs, support his endeavors, and work tirelessly to hold our family together. I have tried to keep the peace, be his helper, and protect our children. Yet, despite my efforts, I find myself at a breaking point and can no longer endure the pain.

Understand that I am not perfect, but I do not come with bitterness or with what some might call a “Jezebel spirit.” I carry with me feelings of fear, embarrassment, and shame. Please understand that when you suggest that I try harder, keep submitting, or do my part, it dismisses my lived reality and shifts the blame to me for his harmful and sinful actions.

Encouraging me to let him lead, as often seen in complementarian traditions, overlooks my experience and an important truth — that there is a difference between healthy, Christ-like leadership and coercive control.

Understanding this difference is key to creating a true partnership based on love, trust, and mutual respect.

Please don't encourage me to endure or meet his sexual demands when I no longer feel safe, either emotionally or physically. The messages telling me to stay married “no matter what” or “until death do us part” are difficult to reconcile when it feels like danger may come from the person who should be willing to lay down his life for me, as Christ did for his bride, the church. I should not fear the person who vowed to love, honor, and cherish me. As in any relationship, safety and well-being should be a priority.

I urge you not to question my faith in God or make me feel as if God will be angry with me for seeking safety and life. My faith is my anchor and has carried me this far. I hold tightly to it each day.

Church, you’re meant to be a sanctuary and reflect His compassion, rather than heap fear upon me in His name.

Church, you are called to be a place of refuge, rather than a source of shame.

A community of care,

not one that condemns.

A reflection of Jesus, who dignified women, lifted the oppressed, and offered hope and healing for everyone.

A Trauma-Informed and Compassionate Response to Domestic Violence

For the church to embody the call to be a place of refuge and restoration for survivors, this is what I ask of you:

Foster a Culture of Safety and Awareness

Openly discuss domestic violence in your lessons about justice and protecting the vulnerable, as Jesus did. Address it with compassion rather than treating it as a taboo subject. Staying silent implies complicity.

Provide Trauma-Informed Training

Well-intentioned platitudes aren’t comforting.

Equip leaders, small group leaders, and volunteers with training by experts who truly understand the complexity of domestic violence. Offer this training annually.

Expand your perspective by reading books authored by experts and survivors. Develop a domestic violence policy, ensuring confidentiality and adherence to mandatory reporting laws.

Ask About Safety

Gently but directly ask me if I feel safe living with my partner, and offer a safety plan option.

Offer Trauma-Informed Children’s and Youth Ministry

Recognize that my children are also impacted and need safety, support, and care. Prioritize the safety and well-being of every family member—especially the children—over maintaining the appearance of a marriage.

Counsel Separately for a Season

Separate counseling allows care for each of us and creates space for vulnerability. Abuse isn’t always physical—there are bruises you will never see.

Partner with Community Resources

Provide practical support by partnering with community resources for safe housing, financial assistance, and referrals for professional counseling.

Seek Spiritual Direction

Hold Abusers Accountable

Regardless of his standing in the church or how personable he may be, expressing remorse is not enough. Genuine repentance means turning away from the sin and real change.

Remove him from positions of authority and influence. Encourage participation in certified Batterer's Intervention Programs.

Enabling him doesn’t serve anyone. He must take full responsibility for his actions and demonstrate real transformation.

Slow Reconciliation

Reconciliation takes time; don’t rush it. Allow healing and restoration to unfold naturally. Transformation must be proven over time.

Be Patient with My Ambivalence

I may feel torn about reconciling or leaving. Please be patient. On average, it takes a woman seven attempts before she leaves for good. Be there when I’m ready.

My Decision to Leave

If I decide to leave, don’t shun me or pity me. Be present with me. Encourage me. Help me rebuild spiritually because my spirit has been bruised too. Help me navigate establishing a new life.

Church, embody the heart of Christ: protect the vulnerable, honor women, and be a true refuge. Let your love for people outweigh your desire to protect appearances. Let compassion be stronger than fear of uncomfortable truths.

Let us strive to create a compassionate community where safety is valued and hope and healing are possible for all.

Sincerely,

Women Like Me

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