Containment: The Courage to Stop Abandoning Yourself
- The Broken & Beautiful
- Sep 22
- 3 min read
Updated: Oct 15
Tiffany Duren, NFTC Certified Story Coach and Internal Family Systems Practitioner, The Broken and Beautiful Collective
I was asked this week how I came into my own power and agency. The question is timely, following weeks of walking alongside and witnessing many who are stepping into their worth—setting boundaries, containing instead of abandoning themselves. My story prepared me to empower others to remember their worth and claim their power.
Losing Myself
I was born with a noticeable presence and a tenacious spirit, qualities that were both envied and admired. I was naturally outgoing and unafraid to speak up or try new things. However, as I grew, much of my internal power shifted to external sources, and I began to lose myself.
This change was influenced by my upbringing in a Christian home, which emphasized compliance, obedience, and discipline, often without emotional expression, open discussion, or heart-to-heart connection. I found myself feeling proud when I was liked and shamed when disapproved of. I was taught as a child to simply "go along and get along," "turn the other cheek," and "get up and brush it off," which inadvertently trained me to placate abuse and engage in codependency.
God, Parents, and Power
Living for external approval is often a byproduct of systems that prioritize compliance over genuine relationships. People may learn to approach God through obedience and discipline, thereby missing out on a true relationship with Him. It's important to recognize that our parents, particularly our fathers, often serve as our first representation of God.
I believed my dad was a refuge, someone I could run to with problems, yet I also felt he wouldn't fight for me or stand up for me. This translated into my relationship with God; I knew He would be there when I had problems, but I constantly felt He had power yet wouldn't act on my behalf. I believed I simply needed to try harder in my own strength.
Survival and Exhaustion
My survival in life was predicated on seeking man's approval, constantly striving to be "enough" and "not too much." Man's approval is notoriously fickle, and giving away my power to maintain attachments and avoid abandoning myself was understandable, as it was all I knew.
I tried everything: DIY projects, Bible studies, relentless achievement, intensive care for others, Martha Stewart-esque perfection, and acquiring knowledge in every area. Despite all my efforts to be "enough," my marriage still failed, I struggled to carry babies to term, and bad things continued to happen. I was utterly exhausted.
Reclaiming Agency
When I finally reached out for help, I realized that my survival strategies were no longer serving me and were causing me to abandon myself. While I couldn't control all negative events, I could remove myself from those who deceived, betrayed, stole, gaslit, abused their power, used me for personal gain, or disrespected me.
I engaged in counseling, group therapy, and story work to identify my wounds, acknowledge the shame I had carried, recognize what wasn't mine to own, and take responsibility for what was mine to repair. Reclaiming my worth and agency required connection with others, curiosity, kindness, containment, and setting boundaries with myself and others.
Why Containment Matters
Many people, even those raised in Christian homes, fail to recognize abuse, especially gaslighting, spiritualizing, and emotional neglect. Sadly, individuals in positions of authority within churches and ministries can also abuse their power. Many mistakenly believe that setting boundaries is unkind. Yet, Jesus Himself was highly contained and boundary-oriented.
Where do you need to remember that your worth is not defined by anyone else? You were born with it, and no one can add to or subtract from it unless you permit them.
Where do you need to exercise your agency to stop giving away your power to someone who is mistreating you?
Where in your life do you need more containment?
Please reach out for help if you need someone to walk alongside you on this journey.