Holiday Support for Enneagram Type Four

with Patria Rector & Ro Elliott

Welcome back to Echoes and Edges, the Broken & Beautiful podcast. I’m Patria Rector—story coach, Enneagram practitioner, and founder of Broken & Beautiful. My work centers on helping people gently weave parts of themselves back together with skill, care, and compassion.

Being skilled means having many tools in the toolbox of care. Over the years, I’ve gathered training from a wide range of modalities—from story work to Enneagram training and many things in between. One tool, however, continues to stand out for its clarity and depth: the Enneagram.

Not because it’s easy—but because it offers pathways for transformation. It helps us recognize why our reactivity shows up, when it does, and what it’s protecting.

This post is part of our short, practical series on the nine Enneagram types. Today, we’re focusing on Type Four.

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Type Four: The Individualist, the Artist, the Romantic

Type Fours are known by many names depending on the Enneagram tradition: The Individualist, The Artist, or The Romantic. While some of these labels resonate more than others, what consistently defines Type Four is depth.

Fours experience life emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually in rich texture. They notice nuance. They feel intensely. They long for meaning and authentic connection.

Their core defense is leaning into intensity or withdrawing—especially to protect against abandonment or the fear of being ordinary. While Nines, Fours, and Fives all withdraw, Fours withdraw specifically to guard against the ache of not belonging.

Many Fours don’t necessarily want to be “special” in a performative way. What they want is to be seen as uniquely themselves. Their nervous system learned early on that being unseen or misunderstood was deeply painful—and that uniqueness might be the way to stay connected.

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When Depth Becomes Armor

Depth is a gift for Fours—but under stress, it can become armor.

Fours are naturally capable of emotional and relational depth, but when they believe they must be deep to be valued, depth shifts from expression to protection.

Ro Elliott describes how this often shows up in social settings: a Four enters a gathering and instinctively finds one person, pulling them quickly into the deep end of conversation. Fours love the deep end. They swim there with ease.

But not everyone can.

When the other person begins to pull back—overwhelmed or unsure—the Four may sense rejection. That moment often activates the familiar inner narrative: “See? I don’t fit. I’m too much. No one really understands me.”

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The Push–Pull of Withdrawal

When abandonment fear is triggered, Fours often withdraw. And in that withdrawal, emotions can intensify.

This isn’t because Fours are dramatic or broken. It’s because isolation can create an emotional echo chamber—a space where shame, self-contempt, comparison, or even contempt for others can grow louder without balance or grounding.

These emotions aren’t bad. They’re simply uncontained.

What makes this especially painful is the paradox beneath it all:Fours may withdraw hoping someone will come find them—while simultaneously pulling away from the connection they long for.

Without awareness, this push–pull pattern can quietly repeat.

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What Fours Long For

At the heart of Type Four is a simple, tender longing:

To be seen in their depth without being abandoned for it.

Fours often feel that something essential is missing—inside themselves or between themselves and others. They may believe everyone else possesses something they don’t, which fuels comparison and longing.

At the same time, Fours carry extraordinary gifts.

They see beauty where others overlook it. They notice color, texture, feeling, and meaning in everyday moments. What feels mundane to someone else may feel rich and alive to a Four. The challenge is that Fours often struggle to recognize this as a gift—until they learn to embrace it themselves.

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When Steadiness Meets the Swirl

When balance, stability, or grounded presence meets a Four’s emotional swirl, something begins to soften.

This is where containment matters.

Containment doesn’t mean suppressing emotion or becoming less expressive. It means learning to hold your emotional world without needing someone else to complete it, rescue it, or validate it into existence.

When Fours begin to see the whole picture of their lives—not just what feels missing, but what is present, steady, and good—their depth becomes integrated rather than overwhelming.

They don’t lose their richness.They gain perspective.

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Never Be Less—But Add What’s Missing

I often tell clients—especially Fours and Eights—never be less of who you are. Your depth matters. Your emotional honesty matters. Your way of seeing the world matters.

But transformation for Fours often comes from adding what’s missing:steadiness, balance, and a fuller view of themselves.

You are not only the longing.You are not only the ache.You are not only what feels absent.

You are the whole canvas—not just the swirl.

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If This Resonated…

If this glimpse into Type Three felt familiar or stirred something meaningful, share it with someone who might appreciate a gentle invitation toward deeper self-understanding.

And if you’d like to hear the full conversation, you can listen to the episode of Echoes and Edges on your favorite podcast platform. (Apple Podcasts / Spotify) While you’re there, follow or subscribe, leave a five-star review, and help more people find this work.

Echoes and Edges is produced and edited by Stephen R. Sanders, music by Envato, and is part of the Vivid Livid Podcast Network—where bruises speak and healing finds its voice.