Chasing Wonderland: Waking Up from the Dream of Perfection
- The Broken & Beautiful
- Oct 11
- 5 min read
Updated: Oct 15
The Illusion of Perfect
I used to constantly chase "Wonderland"—a perfect, utopian moment in life where everything aligned. Before social media, women were influenced by supermodels, pop stars, magazines, movies, and romance novels, leading us to believe others had these amazing, perfect lives. We'd wonder why our lives weren't the same, chasing perfect bodies, perfect romances, and everything else society threw at us.
Then came social media, amplifying this pursuit a thousandfold. We'd look at others' lives and think, "I want their life; it looks perfect; it looks like everything I want." To me, it felt like watching other people live my dreams, creating a new kind of psychological warfare for everyone.
However, the beautiful thing about this current phase of my life is the realization that "Wonderland" doesn't exist. No one's life is perfect, no matter how hard they try to make it seem that way, and we certainly try! Even when things are great, there's always hardship. Joy and sorrow, beauty and difficulty coexist constantly. Even now, thoroughly excited and alive in this phase of my life, there's still hardship and fear of jumping into the unknown all around me.
Living in the In-Between
The beauty lies in accepting that the broken and the beautiful live together. In me and in you. Hardship will come. Some days I feel incredibly alive, awake, and excited, while other days I question if I even have to get out of bed. That's life. The major change for me is that I was asleep for so long, and now I am awake to all of it. Even on hard days, or when I'm terrified, I'm awake to it. I'm not going to sleep; I'm not detaching from it, though sometimes I do engage in what I call "chosen denial"—fully aware of a problem but choosing to set it aside for the day if I can't find a solution.
Being awake is everything; it's living in full color. The beautiful thing now is living honestly with people. If I start to drift back to sleep or doze off, I have a tribe that wakes me up, reminds me who I am, and reminds me of what I can do. I am held with them. This God given tribe has made me brave and given me courage.
I believe the chase for perfection, or the chase for a perfect perception, prevents us from living authentically and honestly. My big question now, even within the church, is, “Why is being honest and telling the truth about our lives and experiences not acceptable, or why is it threatening?” Why can the judgment be so intense? I've been in circles where someone shared honestly, and the response was, "Wow, people are so messed up." But isn't that why Jesus came? Isn’t that how He meets us? It is how he meets me. We are a mess, and we need people who can truly meet you where you are, a place where you can come in true authenticity. Places where we are met with true grace, love and acceptance. Then hope can truly thrive. I found that place in Storywork with my storywork coach and groups. It has changed my life.
Choosing Truth Over the Show
My fear, which I held for so long, was that if I were honest and authentic, if I showed up as my true self, said what I thought and believed, and questioned what was presented to me, people wouldn't like me; I wouldn't fit in. Now, that isn’t what matters. Showing up in honesty matters more.
I look back, and yes, I did offend some people, but I'm pretty sure I should have offended a whole lot more if I'm going to show up and tell the truth or challenge what we believe the truth is.
I often hear people say, "Well, the Bible says what it says." But even if it does, are you 100% sure that how you've been taught to interpret that is the truth? Does it align with who Jesus is? Do you have a real relationship with Him? How have you experienced Him? Does the way you've been taught line up with who you've found Him to be, who He's shown you, and how He has met you?
For me, that's where everything went sideways. He doesn't meet me in those ways. If He loves me—truly, madly, rejoices when I wake up, loves me to the end, exactly who I am, exactly how I've shown up today—if He loves me that much, if He went to the cross for me, then how could He be okay with situations that bring me harm, that wound me, any abusive situation? The idea of "He's calling you to stay" might be the exact opposite of the truth.
Maybe He loves you too much to have you in the situation you're in. Maybe He loves you too much for you to continue to be quiet and play the game. Maybe He wants you to go live exactly how He created you to be, and if you mess up, say the wrong thing, and the world comes crashing down, He's still going to love you. You're still His beloved, and He'll still show up for you, pick up the pieces, and put you back together.
What if that's the truth? What if "for better or for worse" isn't biblical? What if the truth is He never intended for you to feel trapped and buried alive? What if the truth is He has so much more for you, and deep inside, you know it, even though it's terrifying to make the moves to get there?
When I finally heard His voice clearly, over and over He said, "If I love you as much as I have shown you, how would any of this be okay with me?" What if the truth is He wants to offer you freedom and the life He intended for you? What if the truth is you don't have to stay, and He is not the one calling you to that, but rather a system structure trying to keep you in your place, keep you small, keep you quiet?
Why do so many women shrink and play small once they're married? Why do these sudden rules appear that they believe exist? What if that's not how we're supposed to show up at all, and what if we are never supposed to be in second place?
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