How to Leave a Church
- The Broken & Beautiful
- Aug 30
- 3 min read
Updated: Sep 25
If you’re reading this, chances are you’ve had a bad church experience.
Maybe someone in leadership was caught doing something they definitely shouldn’t have been doing (shocking, I know). Or maybe, after digging into Scripture yourself, you realized the teaching you and your family were being fed wasn’t actually biblical. Worst case, you may have been emotionally or even physically abused.
Whatever the reason, leaving a church is never easy. It can feel downright traumatic. You’ll probably lose friends you’ve served alongside for years. You might uproot your family, hopping from congregation to congregation, hoping the next one won’t hand you the same pain dressed up in a new worship experience.
I know, because I’ve been there.
In my years as a megachurch multimedia producer, college ministry leader, worship leader, and assistant pastor-in-training, I saw and experienced more than I ever imagined. I witnessed people carrying wounds—spiritual, emotional, and sometimes both. Many wrestled in silence, unsure where to turn or how to heal.
“Should I stay or should I go?” (Most stayed—because apparently suffering in silence equals holiness.) “If I leave, where do I go?” (Most never found stability again.) “How do I know what’s right?” (There wasn’t a clear answer then… and spoiler: there still isn’t now.)
One of Many Stories
When I resigned from my position and left the community with my wife and three daughters in 2010, finding our destination took nine years. Six months at the first church, nine months at the next, a year and a half at the one after that, a year at another—and several short samplings in between.
Why was this so difficult?
The truth is, most advice about leaving a church puts the institution first and the individual last. It glosses over the trauma. It ignores the heartbreak. It skips the courage it takes to walk away from what once felt like home.
That’s why I want to name what often goes unsaid—because you won’t find what you actually need on the first page of a Google search.
How to Leave a Church: What They Say vs. What It Really Means
1. Leave gracefully
Sounds nice—but it’s hard to look “graceful” when you’re running for your life. Sometimes that’s exactly what you need to do.
2. Tell your pastors and leaders
So they can protect themselves. If you can’t trust them with your wounds, you don’t owe them a tidy goodbye.
3. Maintain a respectful demeanor
Translation: don’t make the church look bad. But here’s the truth—you are not responsible for protecting the image of a system that hurt you.
4. Carry yourself with humility, love, and grace
Meaning: stay silent. Don’t tell anyone how toxic it was. Don’t admit your next community is healthier. In other words—don’t disrupt the cycle.
5. Express gratitude
“Thank you for the abuse and manipulation” isn’t healthy closure. You’ve likely already given far more than you ever received.
6. Acknowledge the positives
Focusing only on the good while ignoring the harm is how many of us got here. If you’re still justifying pain by naming blessings, that’s trauma talking.
7. Refrain from negativity or bitterness
You’re allowed to feel hurt. Don’t let anyone rush your process or shame your emotions. Anger isn’t the enemy—silence is.
8. Grow in faith
Faith sometimes takes a backseat while you relearn how to love yourself. That’s not failure—it’s healing.
9. Find a new church Here’s the unpopular opinion: you don’t have to. Healing may happen outside the institution entirely. And that is valid.
An Invitation to Healing
What would healing look like if it didn’t involve pretending you weren’t hurt?
If you’re questioning your place in a harmful church, or wondering what comes next, you don’t have to figure it out alone. The Broken & Beautiful is here to help.
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